Should Have Known

We used to be perfect; you and I
But I should have known it was a matter of time
I was told -“don’t be bitter and let love pass you by”
“Don’t dwell on your past”... “just let go”... “give it time”
“Let down your guards or you’ll end up alone”
Despite my better judgment I somehow let go
But deep down I should have known
With every touch, so gradually, you seeped into my soul
I lost control and there I was (such a fool)
Somehow... deeply in love wit you
I saw past your shortcomings; made peace with your flaws
Justified your absence; ignored signs through it all
Convinced myself of a lie, a life we had; you and I
But the truth is I should have known... but why?
Why did I pretend that we were something more
Your words lead me to believe it was my love you lived for
Now I sit here at night wishing I could go back; somehow retreat
Back to the days my heart still had a beat
Back to those nights when in your arms I'd fall asleep.
When love was more than just a fantasy
Back before you destroyed the best of me
I know that I knew but why did I not really know better
The lie that I lived when you and I were together
They say that this word “love” makes you do crazy things
That its beautiful but they don’t mention the suffering
Or the pain that you feel when the bottom falls out
When you look back on this “love” and your hearts filled with doubts
Was it real? Was it a lie? Did it really just end?
Can I piece my life back together yet again? If so when?
The love and the hate I feel for you run a race
I can’t even think of which will take first place; I’m confused
I should have known better but I still can't understand
How it is that after all this pain you're still that man
The realist love that my heart till this day has ever known
But you’re also the one who turned my heart to stone
Though through this pain and the years I know that I’ve grown
Somehow... I still should have known to let go

-APS-

Not A Victim

I am NOT a victim
of this skin or of my sins
I am the result of my decisions
though they taunt me, I seek wisdom
and never will you hear me say that helpless I stand
Or that afraid I shrivel up. Never!
I know that my color stunts me
I know that estrogen haunts me
Because as a Latina and even more so as a woman
I have to - for some reason - prove to you... What?
That my breasts won't weigh me down?
That my color won't shade my light when in a tunnel?
Hell NO!... I fight! Either way and make it right
My body won't define my life
My color won't make wrong things right
I am a person... I breathe what you breathe
and I feel what you feel. So you wanna keep it real?
Ok... then lets!

I am NOT a victim
society did not “hold me down”
My poor judgment, being young and naive
that's why I failed to succeed
Lying, stealing, hustling... whatever need be
That was me! It was easy
I had the opportunity to read and learn to lead
I had the tools to show these fools that they'll never own me
I chose to take the easy rout and chase money
The greed, indeed, it was the evil seed
and it grew... it began to consume me till I knew
it had to end!
No struggle, no progress... Ain't that the truth?
Not having much growing up surrounded by men
I was the only girl back then
Always being left behind
Never fast enough, never strong enough, till I opened my eyes
Says who that I can't drive down the base line
fake you out, drift your mind and score on you every time?
Who says that corporate ladders can't be climbed in pumps
A cute skirt, a blouse, make up and no spouse?
The choice it is mine. Has been from day one!
A victim is cheated or deceived, but how the hell can that be
when the deception was caused by only me?
I am the product of my choices and my environment
Endless numbers of years I've spent
Limiting myself to what a "woman" should or shouldn't do
To what immigrants are suppressed and bound to
Well forget this, I quit! I'm not blind now because I know

I'm not a victim
'Cause to deceive you must first get a hold of me
And I'm out of your league
I will not be your victim Mr. Limits, you can forget this!
I'll die before I become one of those statistics

- APS -